Walking Out Of Darkness

EXPANDING CONSCIOUSNESS

May 14, 2012

4:40 a.m.

For Many of My Women Friends –The Questions & Finally A Potent Answer.

       Several months’ back, I began to intensely focus on living in the NOW, and since then I have become very aware of my speech, thoughts and actions regarding most surface issues. But those on deeper levels, I was completely unaware of the relevance /connection to what was happening in my life, and what I wanted to learn /embody. This deeper level of unconsciousness is what I had been struggling with. 

I have felt great disappointment and bewildered that I can’t seem to follow through with my spiritual and health goals. Really questioning ‘what is going on?” and “this use to be so easy?” Simple things like going to bed by 10:30 instead of 12 and 1:00, meditating as I once did… long and deep 2 x’s a day, eating foods that support me emotionally and physically instead of those making me tired or wired…

So I set new goals, only to break them and question my discipline, or lack of, to my list of expectations. And of course, failing once again, thus further demeaning and disappointing myself.

What has really bothered me is that I am acutely conscious of this, conscious that it’s 10:00 and I ‘should’ get ready for bed, and although I may even be tired, I actually push myself to do ‘one more thing’ that becomes ‘one more thing’ and even when I find myself dozing off, I force myself awake to do, ‘one more thing’, until it is midnight or the next morning clicked in hours before.

Three months, I have allowed this to make me crazy, to beat myself up for this nonsensical and ‘stupid behavior’, yet no lasting change has been made.

I spoke with a dear girlfriend of my sons last night and we spoke of some communities and restrictions and the endless rules to ‘fit’ and realized just how much I have always pushed against ‘rules’ and expectations, especially if they made no sense to me, starting with the Catholic Church when I was a kid. Actually, now that I write this, I realize it is any church or community or dogmatic order that believes they have the only answers, or the right answers, and want others to conform to their man-made mold. And even if women are in charge, they seem to have morphed into those conforming male made patterns.

That is it, in that simple line above, any group that tries to tell me they have the answers for humankind, for ME, for MY evolution, MY spiritual growth, MY purpose on this planet by wanting me to fit into their long list of rules, expectations and the dozen hoops I need to jump through to be ‘acceptable’, and then wait for me with bated breath to fail and point out just how badly I need to follow them because of all my shortcomings—or prefer me to leave because I ‘am different’ ‘or question their rules’ and ‘don’t fit in’. (Thank God for that!)

I tried several new churches since I have moved to the Napa Valley, and each one has told the congregation and myself what we are doing wrong, and what one needs to do to be acceptable to God, to be ‘saved’ or ‘enlightened’. (This I found in San Diego County also, even the ones who claimed not to be ‘like the Catholic Church’ were so much like it! And if their reality were not so sad, it would be funny.)

All I was looking for was a place that was encouraging and infused with positive energy to deepen my spiritual connection to Self, to Source. To meditate more profoundly, connecting like an expressway to a vibration already deeply etched within these structures by others sharing the same desire to connect to their Higher Source. But this has not been so, quite the opposite. I did find that energy in Assisi, Italy, but even then, it was mostly apparent in the smallest and most ancient churches, and usually those (blessedly) nearly forgotten and unaltered by the Church, leaving the vibration of sacred energy embedded in their thick walls from those with pure hearts coming in love, gratitude and devotion, and not of those coming because of the fear of what ‘will happen’ if they don’t. That ridiculous absurdity of what has been so deeply injected into them by a bunch of men whose entire stability and survival teeters on their ability to make you believe they have YOUR answers.

Women have an highly developed and innate wisdom of ‘knowing’, an intuition from the heart that guides them rightly, and men in power (those that use the mind instead of the heart & mind) know this, and fear it… so what do they need to do to control women? They need to make them question themselves. Create so much fear we doubt ourselves and give our power away to them… just like we do (many, not all) give their power to their partners, their bosses, the military, the FDA, their doctors and the government that is mostly made up of men. And yet we know within our hearts, what they do is wrong.

This morning at about 4:40 a.m. a clear dialog took place as I was leaving one realm of being for another and I wrote what I could still hold onto:

When I make all these rules for myself and create all these expectations, I am no longer living in THE NOW, and not believing I am deserving or good enough as I am right NOW. I am no longer in the moment and available to receive the gifts it is trying to give. No different that a friend holding out a present and we can’t see it because we are focused on something other than that moment.

I am living in the ‘expectations’ of the future—the world’s ‘have to’s’ and setting myself up for failure and disappointment.

Right now my focus is on living in the NOW—and therefore I have been challenged with tests, or opportunities to discard old patterns for what I truly desire that will support my highest good.

I had to ‘fail’ those tests to understand just how much I was not in the ‘Now Moment’, but still buying into the ‘rules’ ‘expectations’ and ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’.

“Just live fully in this moment to be fully alive” came another vibration of information, “let go of the expectations of others, those were designed to keep you small, for as long as you believed you were not good enough you would continue to chase a dream designed by another, and support their cause. Be completely available and open to each moment, and that moment will reveal its magic designed just for you.”

I realized there was no path for me to follow, no shoulds or should nots, knowing that the NOW was only designed for me to choose what best supported my highest desire in the beauty of the moment, from the guidance and wisdom of my own heart -- in every NOW. That is the only ‘rule’ or path I am going to follow.

I did not get out of bed, I wanted to hold that energy and be with it for a while-- but then I fell asleep to awaken to a clear memory of a dream that had just played out,

‘I was giving clothes away to a charity and they knew me and called me by name handing me a receipt. When I was about to leave I noticed my mom standing there with 3 trunk loads of my ‘stuff’. She said I had wanted to give it all away, but I made the mistake of opening one and was so overwhelmed by how much stuff was there and not sure if I wanted to let it all go, so I decided to wait to give it away later—once I had time to sort through it.

Darn! That dream was about old issues and beliefs, imposed by others that I wasn’t ready to let go of; I had to ‘check’ to see if I still needed them for some future purpose.

OK, so no ‘what ifs’, just LOVE and APPRECIATE this MOMENT!  Realize I have a way to go before I live every moment fully in THE NOW… and I may need to experience certain events to understand how to ‘untangle myself from them’ to lend a hand to another—otherwise—how could I possibly know or be of service? So, it’s all OK.

 (“Hum, do I really believe it is OK? Did I really sign up for this? Being part of a human-ladder so we all unite in the light with our true selves or expanded potential? Questionable that I would choose that… that is, until someone asks me for a hand, and I say, “yes, of course” without another thought… just like they do for me.)

'YOU ARE NOT JUST TRYING TO 'GO HOME', YOUR PURPOSE IS ASSISTING IN THE EXPANSION OF CREATION, THE EXPANSION OF CONSCIOUSNESS ITSELF”

 

Out of my Skin

Out of my Skin

My contentment is so limited…

always searching for the next place

to go, to be, to live—

nothing, no one,

has ever felt like ‘home’

for long.

 

So I run to far off places,

to escape this materialistic trap…

to feel the freedom

of the winds of the day,

going anywhere I please.

 

It lasts for a while, but sooner or later,

I long for ‘home’.

 

Beautiful homes are lovely,

but most I do not want…

their upkeep,

their disconnect from nature,

the shallow life styles of so many

who fill their time with this event or that--

trying to appease that un-fillable pit

with more stuff--

that will never satisfy for long,

and only further feed their discontent.

 

I see their ego’s

embodied in their possessions,

flashing like neon signs…

“Pay attention to me, look at me,

aren’t I wonderful, aren’t I successful.”

 

Thank God it isn’t who they truly are—

with their plastered smiles

only skin deep…

for as I peer deeply,

I see their lonely hearts

trying to keep up …

with this artificial charade.

 

And never, is it enough…

 

“Just this one more thing”,

and maybe happiness will be found,

in...

this thing, this workshop, this car, this home,

this holiday, this relationship…

 

Finally today I stopped.

Not in my search,

but in the understanding of it.

 

I saw myself in my lovely homes of the past,

the relationships with roots no deeper

than our possessions,

and attachments to the life style itself.

 

And those of friends and clients too...

 

that initial excitement, quickly wore through,

to an oblivious state of being,

where none of it mattered,

as there is a deafening absence of substance.

 

So fragile was my connection to self,

I rarely saw how easy I got sucked in.

 

Suddenly,

without premeditation,

I caught myself as I was walking through

my French doors into the garden this morning,

 

I could literally see myself trying to pull

off this dense body and throw it aside,

 

(that I had further abused

by drinking wine and coffee,

and eating foods incompatible with its well-being,

causing more denseness and energetic separation…)

 

to release the energy inside…

to free myself from the confines of this bodily trap,

and rejoin the energetic lightness of oneness.

 

The image I witnessed

was one of deep connection with nature—

The energy of it…the movement of it…the vibrancy,

and if I could loose this body

I would be back in its fluid arms.

I would be free to flow with the vibration of nature,

of the substance I was made of.

 

I know when I seep myself in meditation and eat what is good,

my life is danced on tip-toe…

So why is it I so easily fall away?

Yogananda said, “Environment is stronger than will”,

and without question it is…

 

But to fit into so many of these groups and their rules,

does not honor who I am…

and although they call to me,

I can clearly see, from where they call…

so this search has found no end.

 

The only thing I really need to find, to dig deep within for--

is the strength, discipline, and commitment to developing my relationship with self…

and that self, is contained in the vibrant energy around me…

my energetic connection with nature.

 

When we say we want peace and freedom… that does not come from

acquiring more stuff... as that is our real prison.

 

SHATTERED MIRROR--Gathering The Fragmented Pieces I Have Projected Out Into The World

Oneness. At whatever cost.
Believe it or not, everyone of my friends signed up  for the experience we are having on the planet right now. I have found so many pieces of 'myself' lately that just needed to be reassured, accepted, loved and told, "It's all OK, thisis what we came for. Remember-- Don't forget!"

As I accept every detail of my projected ‘faults’ and ‘judgments’ that manifest into the world of form through people, places, events and things through nothing more than waves of thought, of that which is but a fragmented piece of soul desiring at whatever cost physically, financially or mentally to learn to accept, forgive and love all of it, never leaving the space of peaceful centeredness, the energy is plucked from my earthly reality and ceases to exist.

My son emailed me a timely (especially if I had opened it when it first hit my in-box) quote from Swami Kriyananda and although it was titled in the subject line, “A Good Reminder” I ignored it for the moment.

A couple hours later a woman I thought I had been protecting and done a favor for ‘kicked me under the bus’ and I couldn’t believe it. I was shocked and outraged at her behavior and I lost my cool and called her a ‘name’ more than once. Highly strung and already under a ton of stress I had enough knowing to go open that email from my son.

Being that I have been consciously working on The Four Agreements, erasing the lines of separation as Anita Moorjani discusses after her death experience, and the book Oneness by Rasha, it was not surprising to see these words,

“Your reactions to events are more important in your life than the events themselves.

Make sure that you react always in such a way as to increase your inner peace and happiness.”

OOPS! I just ran over my peace and happiness with the bus she threw me under! As difficult as the event was, all I could think was, “Go into my heart, look for the lessons, look for the projection the soul is trying to make me aware of--forgive, love, accept and incorporate all aspects of self, be at peace no matter what the outer performance appears to be.”

I processed it rapidly—and took responsibility for every aspect, and deeply loved those ‘parts’ that fear had possessed through loving the fear right out of them. Internally the storm ceased and calmness, present moment gratitude for my connection to all energy was what appeared upon the stage of life.

Without resistance, without judgment or projection from within myself, that ‘energetic piece’ that was disguised in the form of a woman, that I had projected into the world of form; came to me and was deeply apologetic the following morning.

And I knew, not only had I held my peace, I could clearly see that my comment to a friend the night before, “She kicked me under the bus” was a reflection of how many times I ‘kick myself under the bus’ through buying into the illusion of separation instead of the truth of ONENESS.

NOW, is about ‘erasing the lines of separation’

ANOTHER CHANCE AT A NEW DAY --EACH NIGHT A CHOICE IS MADE...

December 27, 2011

It was not the easiest day yesterday-- wasn't sure if this whole awakening decision was worth it
Last night I went to sleep, returned 'Home'. My 'dream' was very lucid. There was encouragement, evaluating, sorting, support, and I was told that once again I had the right to leave during the night and not return to earth

 This night it sunk in, I became very aware of this agreement; that each night when my spirit left the body and returned to Infinite Source to process the day and my life journey, it was I that once again choose to say, “Yes, I accept this mission” for another day. And every night I get that same choice, commerce my spirit back into my body or not--to decide if I want to continue with my mission, or life journey-- there is no shame if I don't -- yet when I awake each morning I realize that once again I choose this life as co-creator. I just want to remember that, and to lighten up more, laugh more, allow myself to move with the flow of life and stop resisting what I don't like, and when fear comes up wish it a good day and send it off.

 I chose to return--so did you, no matter how hard sometimes it seams -- we have the privilege of choosing.

I choose another day, so what do I want to do with it?

I opened my eyes to the spotlight flooding the stage…

4:15 a.m.—Good gosh, why did she pick that time to put on an unfairly seductive performance?

The moon, almost full, rolled out a carpet of light across the ocean towards me .

She was putting on such a magical performance, that as much as I wanted to go back to sleep, in her fullness, she was far to captivating.

Since she came to visit in all her glory, and all that separated me from her was the screen upon my window, I might as well be respectful and sit up and enjoy her exquisite journey across the stage.

12-7-2011 Conversations with the Soul: Worldly Collapse & Blaming Wall Street

    
    I have a choice you know, to live in a world of gratitude and joyous adventure always, and I know meditation and prayer assist on keeping me on track, yet sometimes, regardless of my wisdom or ‘knowing’ why do I dip my brush into gray when I intended to fill its bristles with luminous shades of light?

    What story are we painting? The canvas began as one of divine beauty, balance and perfection in every way. The power of freewill brought forth a responsibility to select carefully that which we desired. Yet reckless choices based on short term desires has created a canvas that doesn’t seem to have the option of repair.

    It has always been, and is, up to me (each one of us) to pick up the brush each day and change what I have painted into that which supports and balances, as nature does, every aspect of my life. So why, why is it that so many times I paint heavy dark shadows that covers the light?

    There seems to be this strange fixation with worldly collapse, reflecting a deep empty place within that can never get filled through earthly manifestations, where wild spending and acquiring only created more emptiness bringing us to our knees as our creation implodes upon itself. Once again we start searching for ways to fill what is now an even larger hole; having little understanding of how to fill it with what we truly yearn for, self acceptance, peace, love--oneness.

    This fixation with collapse is rooted deep in so many, almost as if there is a hint of disappointment when major destruction was predicted and then passes with not a hint of chaos. I thought it was only I, and it scared me, yet when I talked to many on a deep and real level, they shared their similar story. That the ‘canvas’ is such a mess its only hope for creating the masterpiece we intended, was its complete collapse and destruction of the world as it is, in order to start over. This is similar to a tattered old house where the effort, problems and cost of rebuilding far out weigh tearing it down to its foundation and starting from scratch.

    I realized deep into last night, that which was within me, was being mirrored in the world of form—complete dysfunction of almost every government organization and those linked to it, was a projection of my Soul that desperately wanted the same--destruction and collapse of the illusions in order to foster in a deeper knowing that in order to rebuild in a more conscious way, the canvas needed to be wiped clean.

    People have been marching against Wall Street, yet they have been marching against everything they don’t like in the outer world for as long as I remember. How long will it take them to realize it is only a projection of their inner issues that are being magnified more clearly--greed, dishonesty, blame, separation, like a dream turned to a nightmare in order to get ones attention to pay attention and clean up their own inner demons.

    This is the opportunity we have been waiting for…again and again it resurfaces to give us yet another chance to clean up our own act.

    We can keep blaming and stay on this merry-go-round, or realize that complete destruction of the outer world is not necessary to heal the conscious or unconscious belief that we need to completely destroy our ‘canvas’ in order to remove the huge inner gaping hole.

                        What can I say, “As above, so below”   “As within, so without”

Choice, it’s all about choosing to take responsibility for our own thoughts and actions, and we have heard this without deep understanding of what it truly meant for decades. If we put all our attention on cleaning up our own act, taking responsibility for our own inner dragons, as Joseph Campbell explained in “A Hero’s Journey” being responsible for our own inner joy, everything else would fall into place.

We can start by choosing one positive thought after another, and for every negative thought that surfaces, surround it with two positive thoughts, or even more powerful—two positive actions.

            Negative projection is a cowards delusion…and so easy to buy into.

I will give myself permission to blame, when I have no inner self-centered motivation, no greed, never lie, fear of survival --of course when that has been mastered, I won’t find fault with anything, so blame with not be possible.

EXTREMES TO CLEAR INTENTIONS FOR NOW LIVING - (Thanks for that 'puzzle piece' provided by dear friends)

ALL PATHS LEAD 'HOME' - eventually...

I have gone from the extremes of ‘clear, firm intention’ with ‘energetic force of a demanding egoic mind’ to move the energy of creation into any form I desired, to letting that form of manifestation completely go (when I discovered that all the ‘stuff’ in the world I thought I wanted, including a particular type of male, was not the key to what my heart wanted), to the opposite of ‘allowing God to move my life in a direction that fulfilled my highest purpose and potential, only to discover confusion in that directionless stuck space.

What I discovered was, though yet another helpful friend along the journey, was that I create the intention, (movement of energy into form) then I live in the moment.

In other words, I was experimenting with what it meant to me to live in the NOW and discovered I can know the concept, or hear the words, but I hadn’t quite put it all together in a way that vibrated within that made sense to what ‘Source” intended as ‘my’ part in this earth process.

One form of creation had too much egoic materialism involved to create the ‘world’ I thought I wanted, (but yes, it is fun to experiment with that material substance of the universe that occupies space and one can convert to energy called matter!)  only to find a deep underlying hole within that knew there was so much more to living life. The second way of just ‘waiting’ for the universe to move energy for me, “Let go, let God”, didn’t seem to be working either—(doors only opened as I moved energy in some way--even when saying simple things like "no more of this repeated pattern!" and Spirit opened the next door with my firm affirmation, and many more doors for that matter--only to come to a sudden halt when no more doors appeared to be magically ajar--"OK, now I have several possibilities but what direction do You want me to take?" Waiting yet again in what felt like stagnat pools of a river) it was as if the Universe was saying, “OK, now what do you want?” and I kept saying, “I don’t know, what do You want?” That old, ‘Lets go to a movie, which one do you want to go to?” and the person you are addressing says, “I don’t care, which movie do you want to go to?” and you say, “I don’t care, which one do you want to go to?” until finally someone takes mental action and says, “OK, we are going to this one!” Only to get to the theather and overhear someone talk about how great a different movie was, and we look at each other and say, "Let's go to that one!" Clear intention, surrender and allowing for a different possibility is a delightful way to live.

The energy of the Universe can only begin moving into form when we direct it through conscious or unconscious thought—otherwise it stays formless.

The definition of living in the NOW, now means something different, that I set a clear energetic intention, as we came as co-creators, not much different from the desire to balance feminine and masculine energy within, where feminine energy through heart felt intuition points the way, and masculine energy of moving through power creates the result the feminine energy requests, to make something happen (creation) and move ‘her’ in the direction of ‘her’ desire.

Now I can feel the power of being so present in the moment, that when I say, "I am heading South" and I begin that journey only to discover 1/2 way I feel and hear the messages that say, “OK, now go east instead of south” and allow the doors to open in that moment, as I have in the past, but not to stop there, expecting everything to be continually dumped into my lap by ‘God’ and becoming confused when the doors seem to stop opening, but to keep setting intentions when I get to a ‘T’ in the road and say, “OK, this road feels the best but I am not sure about what I am seeing as a future projection, (which isn’t real anyway, so why create fear through ‘possible’ negatives) so I will move in that direction, but be so present in the moment at I can feel if that ‘T’ in the road leads me yet in another direction”, and the willingness to keep adjusting my journey, “What now feels the best?” Surrendering that next intention up to Spirit “for this or something better for the highest good of all with ease and grace”, which many know has been my mantra for over a decade and its power has proved itself over and over through amazing results when I clearly intend, affirm, surrender, and then fully let go in absolute trust, knowing my highest good was the only thing that could and would play out when completely surrendering and trusting—usually with results far beyond anything I could have imagined.

Some believe one should just sit around discussing profound wisdom, since this is ‘all a dream’ anyway, but don’t ‘do’ anything, and the opposite of that are those that ‘do, do, do, do’ in the outer world, but really aren’t ‘doing’ anything or getting anywhere to create the balance between the inner and physical world.

What I would like to ‘do’ is to keep exploring the balance between the two,

Intention with clarity

Allowing that intention to shift as the NOW reveals a deeper meaning and understanding.

ALL paths lead 'HOME', how long it takes just depends on the journey we choose to take...  and anyway, we are already 'HOME' we just have forgotten looking out the windows of the eyes into a magical world of illusion.

Ground Hog Day

A new day breaks. Another chance to start over. To choose more positive, affirming thoughts than yesterday, which no longer exists except in the illusion of time.  I do not have the alarm clock ringing at the same time with the same music as in the movie "Ground Hog Day", but I do understand this day is yet another chance to be that light which I came to be and not get caught up in the fears or struggles of everyday life. I have a choice; I can break some of the old patterns or beliefs, or choose to stay stuck in the old lies that don't support me. I have a choice.

I have the choice of eating foods that are alive and healthy and feeds this body I am using the best I can, or succumb to that which is toxic and robs energy and feeds disease. I have a choice.

I have a choice to believe someone or something out there is separate from myself, or I can see and feel my connection to all.

Today I get to choose to realize that this day is no different than the message the movie "Ground Hog Day" attempted to teach-- I have the privalige of starting over and setting the course of my mind in the most positive direction, staying away from the temptation to reach back to the bag of the past and drag any of its sorrows and fears along.

Today I have a choice... once again.

ILLUSIONS

How odd this journey has been. The winding path with far too many detours for my aching heart to take; from the highest peeks of blissful reunion, to have the rejoicing snatched away.

Teacher, friend, how many times have I let go of Your hand as we walked together through lifetimes of union, only to find myself mystified by the actions and beliefs of others that I, through my self doubt bought into, and followed their ways believing it would take me home faster than my own knowing heart? 

Each time, undeserving I find You waiting, hands outreached welcoming me back once again. Your patience and loyalty is beyond the scope of my comprehension, yet, there You stand once again harboring no judgment, fully present with deeply loving eyes drawing me to Your side once again.

I too, must take Your lead, even as the wounds of another blames me for their projections, and hold them in my knowing heart. To stand above the egoic consciousness of limited human understanding, allowing myself to be the mirror but not to step beside them as they project their lessons onto me—for if I attach myself to their words, I too become a reflection of the mirror and a part of the ego’s hologram of illusion.

Yes, I admit, I was shocked by the behavior of another, as their words and actions pierced though me as they smashed my joy and gratitude of a very important day – yet I was conscious enough of their projection, and as difficult as it was, I could separate myself from body and human mind to become the observer watching with the detached eyes of the Soul. OK, I slipped more than once, into moments of the disbelieving human, and commented a few more times than a detached Soul would do, but bit by bit I swept away their unkind words and accusations knowing it had nothing to do with me, except to feel my own reactions alerting me to areas that needed healing. And instead of putting my attention on the ripping pain, I would make the choice to stand with my hand firmly in the grasp of my friend and Guru Yeshua, knowing not a single word on my part would have been needed, only an open heart fulled with compassion. For the words they spoke were those that provided an opportunity to lean what is so vital right now in this time of rapid change – communication of your expectations BEFORE, not after the fact. And taking responsibility for our own unhealed past; do not dump them on others, as when you peer into the mirror provided by another, it is you that is peering back.

It is so wonderful to be HOME once again. I will work hard at not wandering off again, and be extremely compassionate to myself when I do.

"Beam me IN Scottie"

 
I have always wanted to visit all the sacred Portals in the world, to feel that divine energy that otherwise was only received in small doses. But early this morning a vision came, a portal of intense light beaming inward, more like, within. I visually saw where each one of us was a direct Portal to the light, to Spirit, and knew for certain I don't need to go find anything 'out-there' ever again. For years many of us have run around searching for truth, our connection to Creator to become that which we already were--"Enlightened"- Only to find that the more searching we did, the further or more frustrated we became. This is much like running around looking for a pair of glasses only to discover they are  right there with us, on top of our head, and have been the whole time. There is no-where to search except to surrender and plug into the connection patiently waiting within. WE are the portal.

Small children remember this, until we tell them otherwise.